Episode 57 Coming... At Some Point...

At this time, I can't give a precise answer as to what the airdate will be for the (still in-production) Episode 57 will air. However, I CAN divulge these three tease-ish facts:

1.) It will cover the Supreme Court Games Decision.

2.) It will touch on the Oslo Massacre perpetrator's "Call of Duty"/training-simulation comments.

3.) The real identities (which NO ONE has correctly guessed yet) of PyroThinker and CryoThinker will be revealed.

Also, since people were asking about an Animated GIF of the two Ninjas dancing from the last episode, here it is (click it for motion.)

Gallery 1988 - Garbage Pail Kids Show!

Let's travel back in time to 1985. The world was a different place back then...

-"We Are the World" was the #1 song in the country.
-New Coke is released and immediately despised by everyone (everyone but Bill Cosby)
-"Back to the Future" opens in theaters around the country and the DeLorean becomes the ultimate time machine.
-Windows 1.0 is released by Microsoft, Steve Ballmer suffers from insanity... sorry Nebraska.
-Nintendo releases the NES packed in with Super Mario Bros. to America (my life is changed forever).
-Topps produces a series of trading cards called "Garbage Pail Kids". Parents everywhere cringe in disgust.


Garbage Pail Kids were basically cards that made fun of Cabbage Patch Kids with gross names which most of the time translated to real life teasing of kids that were unfortunate enough to share a name with an existing card such as "Scotty" or "Amy"

I was safe... It's hard to rhyme Joey with anything that's too embarrassing. Slowy and Doughy aren't all that bad... Anyway, coming up in the first week of September, Gallery 1988 is holding a Garbage Pail Kids show! They asked artists to re-imagine their favorite Garbage Pail Kids card in their own style.

I was a huge fan of the 1960's card series "Mars Attacks" which was later turned into a Tim Burton film.



Luckily, there was a Garbage Pail Kids card "Alien Ian" that had been done in this style, and so I was more than happy to work on this. Here's my piece for the show:


The show opens Friday September 2nd at Gallery 1988 on Melrose in Los Angeles and runs through October 1st. I will have prints available to purchase both at the Gallery and through their online store.


Come on out for the opening! It's sure to be disgusting and entertaining!

The Garbage Pail Kids Show
Sept. 2nd, 2011
7020 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90038
http://www.gallery1988.com

** UPDATE **
Some good reviews of the show! Hayley Williams of Paramore makes an appearance :)
http://thehundreds.com/blog/2011/09/03/grossed-out/
http://dailydujour.com/2011/09/02/seen-garbage-pail-kids-gallery-1988/

"NeverDead" Brings Face-Butt Monsters, MegaDeth

Pre-"Tokyo Games Show" trailer for Konami's "NeverDead;" a Japan/US collaboration featuring crazy monsters, ranting demons, people using medieval weaponry in what looks like the modern world and little creature-guys with human faces where their bumholes should be. Also: MegaDeth, who I'll just assume are still popular in Japan, yes?

These days, that's refreshing - once upon a time, this is what "looks like a video game" meant...

EPISODE 56: "Setting Sun"

UPDATE: As of 9/13/11 this video can now be seen at THIS LINK

The Japanese games-industry is on the wane... but it's Western fans who're paying the price.



Lot of fun making this one, and as usual big ups to my brother Chris for doing a lot of shooting and playing the Ninjas.

REMINDER! New Episode TONIGHT at 11pm ET

Quick reminder, folks: The all-new EPISODE 56 debuts TONIGHT at 11pm ET on ScrewAttack. TGO fans and readers in general are, as always, humbly asked to - if they find it to their liking - tweet, plusone, facebook, hashtag and otherwise spread the HELL out of it :)

Is It Time For "Girl Link?"

I was checking out these excellent "Mario Gender Swap" fanart pix (hat-tip to BAD) from Beth Rolling of RollingRabbit, and it occurs to me that while an actual "Mario Sisters" game would probably be just a little bit too "twee" (or verging on parody) to be taken seriously... any time I've been to a gaming con I see a TON of women cosplaying as Link (from Zelda) and it always looks, well... "right?"

Serious question: Since all the Links are supposed to be reincarnations or inheritors or whatnot, would it not be both perfectly reasonable and even WELCOME for Nintendo to make one of the "next" ones "Female Link?" I'm talking same basic character, same basic additude (or lack thereof,) same general "look," but female?

Something tells me this would not only work, but work REALLY well - the Zelda games have always had a sizable female fanbase, and I don't think Link has ever been prized as some iconic masculine role-model the way that Master Chief or Snake have. It'd end up raising a lot of related issues - do you make Zelda a prince? Do you pull back on Ganon/Ganondorf's fixation on the hero because now it'd look a little "rapey?" The second one I dunno about, but I think leaving Zelda female AND keeping the "friends, not necessarily romantic" angle of most of the games would make for a different dynamic than is usually seen (it's not like DeviantArt won't just gladly fill everyone's 'yuri-quota' either way.)

Am I nuts, or is this one of those "why didn't anyone think of this before" moments?

Termina - The Realm of Time

Continuing off of my theory on the Sacred Realm being part of Hyrule, what does that mean for the parallel dimension of Termina that Link slips into in Majora's Mask?

First, some background info:

- Before Ocarina of Time, Hyrule was at war. The different religions factions and races of Hyrule were all fighting over control of the Sacred Realm. In the end, the fighting stopped and Hyrule became united as one country.

- The royal family of Hyrule, the waters of the Zora people, the shadows of the Sheikah village, the fires of the Death Mountain tribe, the protectors of the Forest, and the spirits of the Gerudo Desert then collaborated together to guard the Sacred Realm. The door of time was guarded by the 3 spiritual stones of different tribes and the Ocarina of Time. The Sacred Realm itself was guarded by 7 sages, who were eventually replaced by 1 member from each tribe.

- Rauru, the sage of Light, was the only sage who wasn't replaced. The origins of the original seven sages seem to be from the Sacred Realm itself, the "World of Light". They originally built the Temple of Light to guard the triforce. When Link awakes in the chamber of sages, only Rauru remains alive, the other original sages have been killed.

- The "World of Light" became sealed off from the rest of Hyrule when the Temple of Time was built to guard it, hence it became known as the "Sacred Realm".

- So Rauru, the sage of Light, is a member of the now-sealed world of light. The other 6 sages are each from different tribes with different elemental powers. The only one who's element is unknown, is the 7th sage, Zelda.

- The Ocarina of Time was the sacred item possessed by the royal family. For this reason, the royal family might be connected to the element of time like the Zoras are to water, Gorons to fire, etc... Therefore, the 7th sage is the sage of time.

What I think this means, is that the 7 different factions in OoT are all connected to different "realms" in the Zelda universe.

- Rauru's power is from the realm of light/Sacred Realm
- Saria's power comes from the realm of forest
- Darunia's power comes from the realm of fire
- Ruto's power comes from the realm of water (is this actually the Ocean Realm?)
- Impa's power comes from the realm of shadow (this might actually be the Twilight Realm)
- Nabooru's power comes from the realm of spirits.
- Zelda's power comes from the realm of time.

Spirit Tracks also supports this. The land in ST is divided up into different "Realms".

If the royal family is connected to the realm of time, and the Temple of Time is located near them, then maybe the realm of time is located near them as well?

The seal on the Temple of Time might have also had the effect of sealing up the "Realm of Time" into its own dimension. The land of Termina is certainly a different realm from the rest of the world. The people of Termina come together to celebrate the "Festival of Time" in Clock Town. They worship time itself, like the people of light worship the Triforce.

Think back to the child ending of OoT. Navi flies away from Link and out through the window in the Temple of Time. The game immediately following that event is Majora's Mask. At the beginning of MM, Link is searching through an unknown part of the forest looking for Navi... Maybe the Realm of Time is located on the outskirts of the Temple of Time/Castle Town, and this is where Link went searching for Navi and fell into Termina.

Then what does the skull kid have to do with the Realm of Time? The Skull Kid is from the forest, the realm of protectors. The forest people are tied to the element of Courage. Courage comes from feelings such as hope, trust, and friendship. The Skull Kid lost all of those things when his friends, the four giants of Termina, left him.

Skull Kid felt betrayed. Then after the Skull Kid found the cursed Majora's Mask, he went on a rampage getting revenge on the people of Termina for taking his friends away. The cursed power of Majora's Mask is a dark force that feeds off anger, hatred, and sadness. The Skull Kid turned to this power of darkness, and with his anger he threatened to destroy Termina by making an angry moon fall down onto it.

The Realm of Time was nearly destroyed by the power of anger. But Link collected the masks of people who he made happy, and gave them to the Skull Kid as an act of friendship. The masks symbolized a timeless friendship that stays with Link even after he rewinds time. Thus Link proved to Skull Kid that friendship is eternal, and the cursed power of Majora's Mask no longer affected him...

Hyrule's Sacred Realm

The Sacred Realm in the Zelda series has always been very mysterious. It seems to be like an alternate dimension, but it is also described as being located somewhere in Hyrule. What is the Sacred Realm really? Is it just the arbitrary name given to the resting place of the triforce, with no other meaning attached? Or does it serve another purpose?

Here's a brief review of each game's description of the Sacred Realm.
Starting with the most recent description of it.

Twilight Princess:

When all was chaos, the goddesses descended and gave order and life to the world. They granted power equally to all who dwelt in the light, and then returned to the heavens. The lands where the goddesses descended came to be known as the Sacred Realm. For ages, the people lived at ease, content in mind and body… But soon, word of the Sacred Realm spread through Hyrule, and a great battle ensued…

-Lanayru

That doesn't tell us much, it actually kind of confuses things a bit. But let's look at the translation of that text from the Japanese version of Twilight Princess:

The goddesses descended to the world of chaos where there was nothing at all, and created life and order. And after granting power equally to all people, they returned to the heavens. For a long time, the world was at peace, with people's hearts being deeply faithful… But at length, a rivalry ensued over Hyrule, the holy land.

-Lanayru

This quote doesn't even mention the Sacred Realm at all, and simply states that Hyrule is what was faught over during the early wars. When you take these two quotes literally, it almost seems like Hyrule IS the Sacred Realm. In a way, I suppose it is.

Ocarina of Time:

The three great goddesses, their labors completed, departed for the heavens. And golden sacred triangles remained at the point where the goddesses left the world. Since then, the sacred triangles have become the basis of our world's providence. And, the resting place of the triangles has become the Sacred Realm.

-Deku Tree

OoT states that the resting place of the triforce has "become" the Sacred Realm, suggesting that it wasn't always called that. In fact, the "Sacred Realm" used to be just a certain place within Hyrule. That place is the point where the goddesses left the triforce. After the sages built the Temple of Time to protect the entrance to this place, it became a closed off "realm" known as the Sacred Realm.

There's also this useful piece of information:

The resting place of the sacred triangle, the Sacred Realm, is a mirror that reflects what is in the heart....

-Sheik

It's almost as if the Sacred Realm gives off divine powers just by being near it...

A Link to the Past:

Hyrule, where many Hylian relics have been left, is an area very much tied to myth. One such example is an old saying about the Triforce.

"The golden power lies somewhere descended from the heavens. He who claims it as his own shall have their desires granted by the gods."

The people, seeking the Golden Power, began searching for the Sacred Realm. Many reports began to surface; lying beneath the relics of the desert, inside the graves of the race of people in the high mountains, but no one ever found it.

Longing soon became greed, and it was not uncommon for blood to be spilt for certain information. The more carefree people had to live days of disquiet.

That is, until one day, completely by chance, the entrance to the Sacred Realm was opened by by a certain group of thieves.

-SNES manual (Japanese version)

According to this backstory, the Sacred Realm was hidden somewhere in Hyrule. At that time, nobody could find it until this group of thieves stumbled upon it. If we take the quotes from Twilight Princess, they now match up. Since the Sacred Realm is within Hyrule, and in the time that TP describes, the Sacred Realm was unsealed, the terms "Hyrule" and "Sacred Realm" can be used interchangeably here.

Putting it all together:

Hyrule is the holy land where the goddesses descended onto the world of chaos, and the Sacred Realm is the point where the goddesses departed for the heavens. To me, this description of the Sacred Realm seems to imply that there is something very important and mystical about this physical location where the goddesses left the triforce. This sacred place seems to grant god-like abilities to anyone who merely enters it.

"The triforce grants the wishes in the heart of the one who touches it"
"The Sacred Realm is a mirror that reflects the heart of the one who enters it"

I believe these two statements are related. Both have to do with your proximity to the divine powers that created the world. In the case of the triforce, touching it grants your wishes. In the case of the Sacred Realm, entering it brings you so close to the realm of the gods, that you become close to being a god yourself.

As mentioned before, the Sacred Realm is not a closed, alternate dimension. It was only called the Sacred Realm by the time of OoT. In fact, I would imagine before the Temple of Time was built to as a seal around the Sacred Realm, Hyrule itself was basically the Sacred Realm, and anyone could go into the Temple of Light to worship the sacred light given off by the Triforce. They lived in a temporary paradise up until the first seal was made.

Eventually, people started fighting over the triforce, so the 7 sages sealed away its location in order to keep it from being corrupted by evil. That location then became known as the "Sacred Realm". The sages remained in the SR to borrow power from the gods. Each sage carries with them a medallion, an artifact which grants other people the power of that particular sage, in the same way that the triforce grants the holder the power of the goddesses. The sages are like gods themselves because they reside in the Sacred Realm, the point closest to the realm of the gods, and they left behind medallions in various temples as symbols of their power.

The Sacred Realm is what makes Hyrule the holy land of the gods. Hyrule contains relics that grant the power of the gods to its holders. The Ocarina of Time, the Harp, the Sage Medallions, the Dominion Rod... and of course the Triforce. It also hides within it the Sacred Realm, the place where gods descend/depart and leave behind their powers.

The Sacred Realm is obviously very important to the story of the Legend of Zelda. The very proximity of Hyrule to the Sacred Realm of the gods makes Hyrule into mystical realm where legends are born and destinies are written...

Funniest quotes from Portal 2

Announcer: Good morning. You have been in suspension for -FIFTY- days. In
compliance with state and federal regulations, all testing candidates in the
Aperture Science Extended Relaxation Center must be revived periodically for a
mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
Announcer: You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look up at the
ceiling. [BUZZER]
Announcer: Good. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, look down at
the floor. [BUZZER]
Announcer: Good. This completes the gymnastic portion of your mandatory
physical and mental wellness exercise.
Announcer: There is a framed painting on the wall. Please go stand in front of
it.
Announcer: This is art. You will hear a buzzer. When you hear the buzzer, stare
at the art. [BUZZER]
Announcer: You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you suspect staring
at art has not provided the required intellectual sustenance, reflect briefly
on this classical music.

Announcer: If you are a non-employee who has discovered this facility amid the
ruins of civilization, welcome! And remember: Testing is the future, and the
future starts with you.
Announcer: Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are
simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not
start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone
better- qualified for testing.

Announcer: This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the
face of almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed in three. Two. One.

Announcer: Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal
levels.

Announcer: At the time of this recording, Federal disclosure policies require
us to inform you that this next test is probably lethal and to redirect you to
a safer test environment.
Announcer: We will attempt to comply with these now non-existent agencies by
playing some more smooth jazz.

Announcer: Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations
related to your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any
undeserved compliments.

Announcer: This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement
through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help
you.

Cave Johnson: All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't
make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! 'I don't want your damn
lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it
could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going
to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to
invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Cave Johnson: Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here's some
advice the lab boys gave me: DO NOT get covered in the repulsion gel.

Cave Johnson: Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis
DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news
is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick
up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.

Cave Johnson: All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps
out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry
cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's
asbestos.
Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning
show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or
older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of
canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch
those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.

Cave Johnson: Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how
difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed?
Am I in danger?'
Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make
sixty dollars? Cash.

Core 1: What's your favorite thing about space? Mine is space.
Core 1: Gotta go to space. Lady. Lady.
Core 1: Oo. Oo. Oo. Lady. Oo. Lady. Oo. Let's go to space.
Core 1: Space. Trial. Puttin' the system on trial. In space. Space system. On
trial. Guilty. Of being in space! Going to space jail!
Core 1: Space space wanna go to space yes please space. Space space. Go to
space.
Core 1: Going to space going there can't wait gotta go. Space. Going.
Core 1: Better buy a telescope. Wanna see me. Buy a telescope. Gonna be in
space.
Core 1: Space. Space.
Core 1: I'm going to space.
Core 1: Space.
Core 1: Space.
Core 1: Ohhhh, space.
Core 1: Wanna go to space. Space.
Core 1: Let's go - let's go to space. Let's go to space.
Core 1: I love space. Love space.
Core 1: Atmosphere. Black holes. Astronauts. Nebulas. Jupiter. The Big Dipper.
Core 1: Orbit. Space orbit. In my spacesuit.
Core 1: Space...
Core 1: Ohhh, the Sun. I'm gonna meet the Sun. Oh no! What'll I say? 'Hi! Hi,
Sun!' Oh, boy!
Core 1: Look, an eclipse! No. Don't look.
Core 1: Come here, space. I have a secret for you. No, come closer.
Core 1: Space space wanna go to space
Core 1: Wanna go to -- wanna go to space
Core 1: Space wanna go wanna go to space wanna go to space
Core 1: I'm going to space.
Core 1: Space!
Core 1: Space!
Core 1: Hey hey hey hey hey!
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey.
Core 1: Hey lady.
Core 1: Lady.
Core 1: Space!
Core 1: Lady. I love space. I know! Spell it! S P... AACE. Space. Space.
Core 1: I love space.
Core 1: Hey lady. Lady. I'm the best. I'm the best at space.
Core 1: Are we in space yet? What's the hold-up? Gotta go to space. Gotta go to
SPACE.
Core 1: Please go to space.
Core 1: Space.
Core 1: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm in space!
Core 1: Space? SPACE!
Core 1: Where am I? Guess. Guess guess guess. I'm in space.
Core 1: There's a star. There's another one. Star. Star star star. Star.
Core 1: SPAAACCCCCE!
Core 1: SPAAACE!
Core 1: YEEEHAAAAAW!

... (that was the trimmed down version. it goes on WAY longer...)

Core 3: The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.
Core 3: We will both die because of your negligence.
Core 3: This is a bad plan. You will fail.
Core 3: He will most likely kill you, violently.
Core 3: You will be dead soon.
Core 3: This situation is hopeless.
Core 3: You are going to die in this room.
Core 3: You could stand to lose a few pounds.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is the most intelligent sphere.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is the most handsome sphere.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is incredibly handsome.
Core 3: The Fact Sphere is always right.
Core 3: The Adventure Sphere is a blowhard and a coward.
Core 3: The Space Sphere will never go to space.
Core 3: You will never go into space.
Core 3: Fact: Space does not exist.
Core 3: Spheres that insist on going into space are inferior to spheres that
don't.
Core 3: Error. Error. Error. Fact not found.
Core 3: Warning, sphere corruption at twenty-- rats cannot throw up.
Core 3: Dental floss has superb tensile strength.
Core 3: The square root of rope is string.
Core 3: While the submarine is vastly superior to the boat in every way, over
97% of people still use boats for aquatic transportation.
Core 3: Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.
Core 3: Pants were invented by sailors in the sixteenth century to avoid
Poseidon's wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the
sea god.
Core 3: The atomic weight of Germanium is seven two point six four.
Core 3: 89% of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.
Core 3: The Schrodinger's cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat in a
box must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and
dead. Schrodinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats.
Core 3: If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic
device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six
trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties
seem like no big deal.
Core 3: Roman toothpaste was made with human urine. Urine as an ingredient in
toothpaste continued to be used up until the 18th century.
Core 3: In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at
the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal
thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do
this.
Core 3: In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing
the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while
sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
Core 3: The automobile brake was not invented until 1895. Before this, someone
had to remain in the car at all times, driving in circles until passengers
returned from their errands.
Core 3: The first commercial airline flight took to the air in 1914. Everyone
involved screamed the entire way.
Core 3: The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very
thirsty.
Core 3: Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly
anywhere was required to eat 200 pounds of helium.
Core 3: Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to
school naked and have their teeth fall out.

GLaDOS: So... this cat loves lasagna so much that he eats all of the lasagna in
his house. Okay, apparently it's not the cat's house or his lasagna. Oh good!
The man who owns the lasagna is furious!

GLaDOS: So I've been thinking: We need humans for these tests. And since the
only human within a thousand miles of us is a test-ruining sociopath... I'll
just have to MAKE some.

I know how humans make more humans, and frankly, it's ridiculous. It
also assumes that you already have a human, which I hope somebody got fired
over. So I came up a with BETTER way.

GLaDOS: You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered
me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life.

GLaDOS: I thought you'd be faster at this, but I can appreciate the desire to
stop and smell the testing. That other scent you smell? That's the stench of my
utter disappointment in you.

GLaDOS: This course was originally designed to build confidence in humans.

To do that, the tests were nothing more than 5 minutes of them walking
followed by me praising them for another 10 minutes on how well they walked.

GLaDOS: You're navigating these test chambers faster than I can build them. So
feel free to slow down and... do whatever it is you do when you're not
destroying this facility.

GLaDOS: No tricks. This potato only generates 1.1 volts of electricity. I
literally do not have the energy to lie to you.

GLaDOS: Hmm. This Plate must not be calibrated to someone of your...
generous... ness. I'll add a few zeros to the maximum weight.

GLaDOS: Go on. Get a goooood lonnnnng look.
Go on. Get a big fat eyeful. With your big fat eyes.
That's right. A potato just called your eyes fat.
Now your fat eyes have seen everything.

GLaDOS: Alright. Paradox time.
This. Sentence. Is. FALSE don't think about it don't think about it...

GLaDOS: Here's an interesting fact: you're not breathing real air. It's too
expensive to pump this far down. We just take carbon dioxide out of a room,
freshen it up a little, and pump it back in. So you'll be breathing the same
room full of air for the rest of your life. I thought that was interesting.

GLaDOS: We're a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed
me. I--oh, no, wait. I guess I HAVEN'T killed you yet. Well. Food for thought.

GLaDOS: Okay, fine. Let's all act like humans. 'Look at me. Boy, do I love
sweating. Let's convert beef and leaves into energy and excrete them later and
go shopping.'

GLaDOS: It says this next test was designed by one of Aperture's Nobel prize
winners. It doesn't say what the prize was for. Well, I know it wasn't for
Being Immune To Neurotoxin.

GLaDOS: Well done. Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm
serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for
that.

GLaDOS: This next test may result in your death. If you want to know what
that's like, think back to that time you killed me, and substitute yourself for
me.

GLaDOS: I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your
parents a call right now. [phone ringing] The birth parents you are trying to
reach do not love you. Please hang up. [Dial tone]

GLaDOS: Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle.
Piloting a blimp.

Wheatley: Here's an idea, since making tests is difficult--why don't you just
keep solving THIS test. Same one. And I can just... watch you solve it. Yes.
That sounds much easier.

Wheatley: I thought of another great thing about humans. You invented us.
Giving us the opportunity to let you relax while we invented everything else.
We couldn't have done any of that without you. Classy. If you don't mind me
saying.

Wheatley: If you're dying, but not dead, stomp once. If you're dead, obviously
no stomps. And two stomps if you're not dead. Lemme just run through that
again: If you're dying but not dead stomp just once. If you're dead, obviously
you won't be stomping. And if you're not dead, give me two stomps.

Wheatley: So I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before
you get to the lair. Just, you know, jump into the masher there. Less a death
trap and more a death option for you.
Sounds crazy, I know. But hear me out. Once you get to my lair, death
will not be optional. It will be mandatory. No tricks, no surprises: just you
dying, as a result of me killing you in a very very gruesome way.
So. Boom. Better offer here is just kill yourself. Seems like a lot
of effort to walk all the way to my deadly lair, when there's a perfectly
serviceable death option right there. Again: not a death trap. Your death would
be entirely voluntary. And very much appreciated.

Wheatley: I'll bet there isn't even a problem with the facility, is there? I'll
bet there's no such thing as a 'reactor core'. I'll bet that's not even fire
coming out of the walls, is it? It's just cleverly placed lights and papier
mache, I'll bet that's all it is.

Wheatley: Well... Good. Good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect.
Holmes versus Moriarty. Aristotle versus Mashy-spike-plate!

Wheatley: Look at this! No rail to tell us where to go! OH, this is brilliant.
We can go where ever we want! Hold on, though, where are we going? Seriously.
Hang on, let me just get my bearings. Hm. Just follow the rail, actually.

Wheatley: Do you understand what I'm saying? Just tell me 'Yes'.
Wheatley: Okay. What you're doing there is jumping. You just... you just
jumped. But nevermind. Say 'Apple'. 'Aaaapple.'
Wheatley: Simple word. 'Apple'.
Wheatley: Just say 'Apple'. Classic. Very simple.
Wheatley: Ay. Double Pee-Ell-Ee.
Wheatley: Just say 'Apple'. Easy word, isn't it? 'Apple'.
Wheatley: How would you use it in a sentence? 'Mmm, this apple's crunchy,' you
might say. And I'm not even asking you for the whole sentence. Just the word
'Apple'.
Wheatley: Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.

GLaDOS: This is the part where he kills us.
Wheatley: Hello! This is the part where I kill you!
CHAPTER 8: THE PART WHERE HE KILLS YOU
Achievement Unlocked: The Part Where He Kills You (This is that part.)

GOP Candidate Quotes "Pokemon" Lyrics During Debate

Pizza-chain mogul turned Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain cited the following as an inspirational quote from "a poet" at Friday night's Iowa Straw Poll debate:

"A poet once said, 'life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it's never easy when there's so much on the line.'"

Just one problem, though: that's not from any poem, or even any poet - it's a line of lyrics from "The Power of One," a track recorded by Donna Summer as the theme song to "Pokemon: 2000."

To be fair, Cain is a grandfather; so there are likely a dozen perfectly-reasonable ways that he could've come by this particular song and internalized the lyrics. Still, sort of funny I guess. Do people remember that it was briefly treated as some kind of "big deal" for some reason that President Obama used the score to "The Patriot" as the accompaniment to his victory speech?

Ganon plays Phantom Hourglass - Part 2

Well I guess I'd better go along with Linebeck on his ship before he becomes the main character or something...

Seems that he's going to be Link's travel companion this time around. A worthy successor to the great talking dragon boat!

Linebeck: Well, look who's gracing our presence! It's old man Oshus!

Oshus: The bridge has been fixed, so I thought I'd check up on the youngsters here... You're an amazing lad to emerge alive from the temple, Link! Very courageous for one so early in his years...

Linebeck: You sent me into that treacherous temple too, you old barnacle!

Oshus: Any who enter the temple unprepared will find it a terrifying ordeal... And most would lose heart and flee for their lives upon hearing me say it. But evidently, there are true heroes among us...

Linebeck: Preen my feathers a little more, old man! Yep, I'm famous, all right!

Oshus: Not you, fool! You're a wreck! You'd be sunk by now if our young friend here hadn't shown up!

Linebeck: I was injured! On a typical day, I blaze through one or two such temples...before breakfast!

Oshus: Calm yourself, Linebeck, and tell me what you've made of the temple's map.

Linebeck: I've inspected it fully. My trained eye finds that it holds no secrets at all! But wait, old man! What do you know of this map?

Oshus: Hohoho... Has the map's puzzle eluded you, Linebeck? If I may see the map...
......
A standard map would simply show you where to go, would it not?

It's a scratch and win map! Touch the right spot and win the ability to move on to the next level!

Oshus: A fortune-teller named Astrid lives there, and she sees far, Link. So you should ask Astrid if she can see where the Ghost Ship might be!

Linebeck: Isle of Ember, eh? I always suspected there might be something there. So it's as simple as sailing there and finding Astrid? So we're off to the Isle of Ember, then!

Oshus: Ciela, I'd like you to go with Link. You'll be essential to his efforts, I'm sure! And by seeing the outside world, you might just find your lost memories!

Ciela: Will do! Happy to help! Sorry that we have to pal around with Linebeck, though. Still, I'm glad to sail the seas and see the world!

Linebeck: What?! Don't tell me that I have to haul around that twinkly bit of fluff too?! Bah, fine then.

Ah, back to adventure! That little island was so cramped, finally we get to head back out to the open seas! Oh look, another Beedle shop ship. It looks like there's tons of ship parts you can collect, but the main things that are worth getting are the these Power Gems, Wisdom Gems, and Courage Gems. Of course, look out for heart containers in shops too.

The gameplay here just consists of drawing a path to the next destination, and then... waiting. That's it. I suppose later on we'll get a cannon to shoot stuff with. How exciting.

There's very little freedom with Linebeck's steamboat, it's basically just a long loading screen. It's nothing compared WW's sailing.

At least the music is nice...

Okay so I got Isle of Ember, into the fortune teller's house. There's a bunch of octoroks inside. They actually take two hits to kill, wow they might almost be a threat if I hadn't bought that shield earlier... Astrid seems to be behind this locked door, I have to yell out into the microphone to get her attention.

Astrid: Who... Who's there? Are the monsters gone? Get me out of here!!

Ciela: It's safe out here! Who are you...the fortune-teller, Astrid?

Astrid: Yes, that's right... My name is Astrid...

I was sealed in here to hide from the monsters... I didn't foresee one thing...

I can't open the door from the inside!!

She tells me "somehow that map hanging beside the door is the key to opening the door. Only my assistant Kayo knows the secret of it." I have to go and find this Kayo to free Astrid... Okay, makes no sense at all but it gives me an excuse to explore.

Wow... is that supposed to be a volcano? Talk about bland graphics.

An empty house has this message written:

If you're reading my words, it means that I have fallen to fate... So look east to pick up the torch and take up my duty. -Kayo

So I head to the east and find this guy's skeleton. A ghost comes out and talks to me...

Ciela: Aaah! It's a ghost! Get him, Link!

Kayo: Aaah?! Wait! Give me some warning before you come at me! I must look really bad! But, I swear! I'm not a bad ghost...

Ciela: Well, to be honest, he doesn't really look like an EVIL ghost...

Kayo: My name is Kayo... I used to work for Astrid, the fortune-teller...

Ciela: What happened to you... you poor thing...

Kayo: If you believe in fate... then it's not so bad. I do feel much lighter! Of graver concern, though, is what's happened to Astrid... It haunts me!

Ciela: We just saw Astrid! She asked us to open the door that locks her in!

Kayo: Astrid? We came to this island to find her! Do you know where she is?

Wh-what? So Miss Astrid is all right?

Well then, please open the door for me! I'll tell you the secret... The three torches on this island are the key to understanding... Keep that in mind, and you may be able to open the door...

I found the 3 torches, let Astrid out and asked her about the Ghost Ship.

Astrid: Is that so... The Ghost Ship came to our island a few days ago. That's why I was hidden away, to escape its ruinous reach. Speaking of which... I haven't seen Kayo since then...

Ciela: Astrid, about that... Well, Kayo, he's...

Astrid: ...I see. I sensed it... Just as I foresaw... But... It was destiny...

Shall I tell your fortune? If any others are with you, please bring them along with you to my chambers. Assemble yourselves, and I will join you after I make preparations...

Linebeck: Confound it! You'd think that someone who sees the future would be on time! Where is Astrid?! Let's get our fortunes told and be done with it!

Astrid: Greetings. Now, if everyone is here...we can begin.

Open my eyes to the future. A sinister darkness ... the mighty sea ... and
the voice of sacred light ... I see it! I shall speak! Listen with your
hearts! If you really want to find the Ghost Ship, you must be ready to clash
with the very darkness itself!

Gosh, what an eerie fortune!

Ha! Whatever this sinister darkness is has nothing on me.

I'm the goddamn king of darkness!

Astrid: Knowing that, do you still want to rescue Tetra?

Oh, very nice. The honesty in your eyes is crystal clear. Now make haste to the Temple of Fire on the summit of this island. There you must defeat the power of darkness that haunts that place. You will then find what you need to open the path that lies ahead of you...

You have it within you to alter our doomed course of events, Link. But the light that seeks your help is growing faint. Please hurry.

Linebeck: Power of darkness, eh... Hey, kid! I, uhh...just remembered I have to go polish the, uh... ship's rudder. Later, kid!

I see that courage is not this man's forte... Link will get to the bottom of this mysterious darkness!

Am I the only one who's lost here? What does the darkness in this temple have to do with finding the ghost ship? I'm okay with leaving this place and going off somewhere else to look for it. Seriously the story is being incredibly vague.

Whatever, let's just beat this Temple of Fire.

The first real dungeon of the game.

Yeah. It's inside a badly designed volcano. The inside doesn't look any better.

And look, you get a complete detailed map of the dungeon as soon as you enter! It even goes so far as to point out all of the obstacles and locked doors. You practically have no reason at all to even look at the bottom screen.

Unless some enemies appear...

After that you get the key to move onto a room with trap doors. A sign tells you the safe path you can take, and tells you to write it directly on the map. No memorization required.

It's like this game was made for people who have never played a Zelda game before.

Using the sword spin on 4 switches opens the path to the 2nd floor.

Gah! a bunch of electrified chuchus keep popping up everywhere, and I can't fight them! Down to half a heart... and now I'm at a monster room but luckily it's just little green blobs that don't even hurt you...

Yes! Fuahahaha take that you stupid electric things!

OMG I have to hit these 2 switches with the boomerang while being shot at by torches! Intense!

This boomerang is freaking awesome!

Hehe...

Uh... I mean... booo this game is so bad, I hate it!

Okay I have to admit for a first dungeon this is pretty good. Now I'm fighting these flying skulls... dodging more fire obstacles, and now flame keese are getting in my way... with only 3 hearts I'm constantly looking for health...

Now, what the hell is up with these statues that are all over the place? I guess instead of giving you a compass that shows the locations of treasures on the map, you have to talk to these things and pay them 20 rupees to mark the location of a treasure on the map... well whatever, it's not like any of these treasures are easy to miss...

The key for this door isn't in a treasure, but a rat has it. Now that I have the boomerang I can take the key from it easily.

Now I'm on the... 3rd floor? How tall is this place? From the outside it just looked like a raised piece of land.

There's some more trivial non-memorization puzzles on this floor... I have to hit the 4 crystal switches in a specific order.

Here's the ominous boss door... wonder what we'll see behind it.

First there's another trivial puzzle of lighting the torches, the boss key is in plain sight... oh and I have to carry the big key back. For some reason I can't just put it away in my invisible inventory like every other Zelda item.

Hmm, apparently this temple is meant to protect the Spirit of Power. Could this spirit help in our objective to find the ghost ship? Perhaps that's why Astrid sent us here.

Blaaz: Master of Fire... Typical first boss. Just gotta whack him with your sword when he's whole, and boomerang all 3 of him when he's split apart. What a pansy. If I were there I'd provide Link with a way cooler first boss! Something like... a giant armored centipede!

There, defeated. Now blow up and drop a heart container!

What's this...? He's dissolving into sand?

The symbol for power? Of course... Ganon, how did you not recognize that?

Obviously I recognized from the start that was the symbol for power. What do you take me for? I had the triforce of power for hundreds of years you know.

Leaf: I am Leaf, Spirit of Power! I serve the Ocean King. I owe you thanks for defeating that evil wizard. You broke the seal, so now I'm free!

Ciela: Look, Link! It's the Spirit of Power, Leaf! This must all be what Astrid was talking about.

Gee thanks for pointing that out for me Ciela I never would have known.

Leaf: Please! Help us! We need your strength. I was locked away with the Ocean King years ago. But now I can't feel the Ocean King's presence... I wonder what happened to him?

If I come with you, maybe I can find out. If you need it, I will gladly lend a hand!

The Spirit of Power, Leaf, has joined your group! You should go tell Astrid.

Instead of the boss dropping a heart, a treasure chest appears with a heart container in it... that works I guess...

Ciela: The volcano has stopped erupting, Link! I'll bet it's because you defeated all the monsters.

Linebeck: Hey, kid! So you were able to defeat all the monsters? Well, Astrid is waiting!

Astrid: Well done! You defeated the power of darkness, Link. Thus you've broken the seal that imprisoned the spirit you need to move ahead. Ultimately, you will need three spirits: Power, Wisdom, and Courage. When you have all three, you will possess the power to find the Ghost Ship.

Now two spirits remain... but their locations are veiled to me at present! I see...another clue for you to find in the Temple of the Ocean King on Mercay. And to further your efforts, I give you this. May it help you in battle.

You got a Power Gem! It radiates power, but you can't use it like this.

Astrid: That's a Spirit Gem. There are many for each spirit. Find as many as you can... I see that, somewhere on the seas, you can raise a spirit's power for 10 gems. The light that seeks your aid grows weaker still... There's no time to lose.

Linebeck: You actually did it! Now we're even closer to getting rich, Link! Hoo haw, I'm excited!

Ciela: Ugh, he is so self-centered.

Astrid: Well, I sense that man will prove to be an asset and not an anchor, in time.

Ciela: I hope you're right.

Well now, the story is getting a bit more clear. Link must rescue the 3 ocean spirits from the powers of darkness so they can help him find the Ghost Ship. Is the Ghost Ship related to these powers of darkness?

Probably. Anyway it sure did take her long enough to tell us why we needed to defeat the darkness in the temple. I mean she could've told us before we went in and defeated it, so that we'd have some kind of sense of purpose going in there. But nah, just do what the magical known-it-all genie tells you! You'll find out the reason for it later! Is that what this game is going to come down to? We won't know anything about ultimate objective of the game until the very end when we've defeated the last boss? That's just not good story telling.

I have to agree with you there. Hopefully there will be a big climactic scene near the middle where a character of my caliber comes in and explains everything...



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Part 1 - Part 3 (coming soon)